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Showing posts from March, 2018

Why I write

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Dearest readers,  I've never told you all why I write this, apart from the mere fact that my second cousin Amy dropped to me in conversation that I should start writing a blog a good 18 months ago now. It's not just Amy's fault I write, although her encouragement to get me started has not gone unnoticed and without her telling me "I'd read it" in response to my "no one will read it", I would have not been challenged and would have not thought that I'd give it a go. I've always found writing an enjoyable task when it is self-directed and chosen. I hated English at school where I was made to be "creative" for this "creative writing" task for my GCSE English... I was always more comfortable with dealing with absolutes and detached things, things not including I or me in the construction just because I've never liked sharing things. It felt too personal. It also felt forced. It felt like I was sharing something too priva…

Reflection in the mirror

Dearest readers,
This is off-piste, off topic and a departure from the standard wittering on here. Bear with me...
Today when I looked in my bathroom mirror, for the first time I saw an adult looking back at me. Someone who looks older than 18, someone who looks like they are making their way in the world, someone who is someone. It probably helped I'd put some makeup on for the first time in a while and was wearing a relatively smart coat, but it was there. An adult. Someone in their twenties with goals, ambitions, aspirations and a path ahead of me. 
I saw a someone. 
I've never been that bothered by age really and see it merely as a societal construct with a list of expectations and responsibilities cultured by other humans, our development and society at large. I don't feel old at 26. I'd never go back to being a child or a teenager ever, for then when I looked in the mirror my reflection was not who was on the outside. The collision of alienated and lost with loo…

Hiding vs showing

Dearest readers, 
A slightly late follow on from my last post... I gave 'Why didn't you tell me' a share through my social media for the year anniversary since I wrote it and made me think: people knowing who I am, is this an actual benefit or does this ultimately cause me more trouble than it is worth? Do I need to live a lie to live the life where I can do what my non-judged, non-stigmatised peers without the same attitudinal barriers? Have I got the energy to turn this around and to push for the space that ought to be equitable in terms of access and respect? How equitable are spaces in reality? 
I ask these questions not to say that I am hard done by, because in all reality I am quite privileged in a manner that not all autistic people are in terms of my social network around me of parents and sister, friends and colleagues (academic and otherwise). I pose these questions rather to ask how we hold ourselves responsible, if at all,  for the change that is so desperatel…

Standing against the tide

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Dearest readers,
This photo above from our last "big" family holiday in 2010 seems very appropriate in terms of not only the title which inspired me, but how dramatic it looks. This was taken on a holiday where we went to stay with my mum's aunt and uncle in Arizona after I had finished my A-levels. I googled the dancing water fountain and there are still shows outside the Bellagio Hotel on the Las Vegas strip if anyone is still interested. I haven't been back to the USA since we left on the 11th August 2010, so it has been a while. Staying in Las Vegas was one of my favourite parts of the trip, especially as an eighteen year old who loved bright colours and often made bold statements in clothing choice (ahem, sadly this is no longer the case anymore fortunately).
This photo and title are relevant, as this is seemingly what I am doing in many parts of my life. I actually started writing this about 3 weeks ago, but have just never got around to finishing it. I never …