Showing posts from October, 2017

When the door opens

Dearest readers, 
A rather late reflection on a workshop I ran in another Methodist Church last week. I had been invited back in April along with the minister I work with and given church schedules, churches taking "the summer off" (yes this does happen... yet Jesus didn't take a summer holiday! I'll leave that debate for another day) and our busy schedules and my deadlines, it wasn't until last weekend that we all met properly. I normally wear my analysis hat as soon as I walk into any church building and set up, examining internally the lay out, escape routes, use of space, how people interact with each other, the sensory impact of a room are all mentally and internally critiqued. I have to say I do this most places I go now, so sorry not sorry about that. 
Other than a few IT glitches, this was by far the best and most facilitative workshop done so far. You know why? People listened, they had questions and most importantly, they not only spoke to me but they …

Our deepest fear

Dearest readers, 
I hope this post find you well. After a day of reading and studying, I remembered something that was shared with me about a week ago from a film. I've never seen the film Coach Carter, but giving the biographical nature of it, I think I would enjoy it. I quite like things based on real life, documentaries and documentary style approaches. The quote linked here is the original poem that the quote from the film is based on. This is a beautiful piece of poetry and I have named this post after the poem. I also enclose this photo of a swan I took yesterday - I've never had a swan pose like this so close to me. Usually the only thing they are after is food!

"Your playing small does not serve the world"
Putting myself down only hurts me and effectively masks, covers up who I really am. It does not fulfil the talents and strengths that I have, it does not allow for them to be used to the best of their capacity. We all have something important to show or giv…

Why have you got worse?

perceptions of getting worse and becoming more "autistic" versus sticking up for yourself and having a voice
Dearest readers, 
I hope you are well. I have just had the above question posed to me: you never used to be this literal. Made me think, after I had been slightly confused and put said person in the position where it was their perspective and not necessarily reality: we are still so glued to what is right, what is correct, what is "well", what is sociable, what is normative. We comment on what we see, as x-ray vision is sadly (yet also fortunately) yet to give us the ability to read other's states and minds. It's almost like someone was telling me I have got "worse" and should therefore "improve" and that I am not doing well enough the way I am. How false and assumptive that being non-autistic is better. 
It is comments like the above which can be so damaging to some of us: I can see exactly how this can trigger internal confusion…

Hearing but not listening

Dearest readers, 
I hope this finds you well and October is rolling out well so far. After a slightly bumpy start to October (or since my birthday) where anxiety has decided it'd like to come to play and a few unexpected decisions that I wasn't expecting to make so soon, I'm settling back into my research and getting into a new routine with work with the various jobs I have. September and October are always slightly harder to navigate as a newer routine is so suddenly imposed upon me with little time to graduate into it, but all is good fun and it does eventually settle down. I purposely don't take much in the way of breaks and holidays as I find it quite hard with the change. It also means my brain stays engaged and active too - I guess in part because I really enjoy what I do it doesn't feel like work really. 
I was chatting with a friend who provided the inspiration for this piece. It surrounds acknowledgement and understanding of experiences we cannot see. It&…

Beauty in the darkness - something personal

Dearest readers,

Rather than being inspired by a word or phrase today, usually resulting in a title, I have been inspired by a photo, below:

I haven't looked through this album in many years, as I had a very dark time when I lived in Grenoble and for many years well, until I started my new course of study) I carried many regrets of what I didn't do, what I could have done, what I should have done. Funnily enough, it is my extended visit to Grenoble which starts off my journey I am currently on regarding autism and also my journey with Jesus. It was after my return I became angry with injustice, confused as to why I could not cope like others (although it had been bubbling up for a while) and thirsty to help and teach. It took me a while to reorientate towards a less aggression based angle where I was not only hurting myself less and not burning myself out beating myself up not only for failing one of my dreams since I was 12 (living in France, I felt like my dream had been cru…